Making Sexual Communication More Comfortable
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By Francie Winslow
I was recently at a local moms group — one of those rare in-person evenings I get to say yes to — and the questions came so fast and so honestly that I knew I had to bring them back to the podcast.
One in particular has stayed with me. It's one of the most common things I hear from women, whether they've been married two years or twenty:
How do you make talking about sex less awkward?
So that's where we're going in this episode. But before I hand you a list of tips, I want to offer a reframe — because I don't think awkwardness is actually the real problem.
The Real Reason It's Hard to Talk About
The root word of communication is commune — to be one with, in union, together. And I think about how freely we can open up to God in prayer, how we can just come and say: here I am, this is where I am, meet me here.
That is exactly the posture I want to invite us into with our husbands around sex.
So why doesn't it feel that natural?
Because of shame. Shame shuts down communion. Think back to the garden — before sin, there was nakedness without shame, and I believe there was also freedom to speak, to express, to ask, to know and be known without fear. Shame is what closed that down. And for so many of us — our moms included — silence became the default. It was handed down to us without anyone meaning for it to be.
If you can't speak about something clearly and with joy, it probably has some tangles of shame around it. And that's not a verdict on you. It's just a starting place.
Where to Actually Begin
Before we work on the conversation, I want to ask you a more foundational question: Do you actually believe that sex is a good gift?
Not theoretically. But in your body — do you believe it?
If you're not sure, start there. Quietly, in your prayer time, in the shower, begin thanking God for your body. Name your body parts. Bless them consciously. Thank you for this good body. It sounds simple, and it is — but it's also where the undoing of shame begins.
When you can start to speak that truth privately, it becomes easier to speak vulnerably with your husband: I realize I still carry some shame here. I want to grow. That is one of the most powerful conversations you can bring into your marriage.
A Few Practical Starting Points
Once you're ready to open the conversation, here are a few tools that have helped me and the women I walk with:
Use books as conversation starters. Cliff and Joyce Penner are wonderful — their books on married sexuality are practical, faith-rooted, and take the pressure off you to have all the words. Let their language open the door: Hey, I read this — what do you think?
Schedule a date just to talk about it. Set a 15-minute timer. Tell each other what parts of your sex life feel exciting, nervous, or full of anticipation. Rip the bandaid. It gets easier every time.
Develop a secret language. Code words for texts, winks across the room, a little private playfulness that only the two of you understand. It keeps things light and alive — and it lowers the stakes of every conversation.
Keep learning each other's bodies. Husbands — you proposed on one knee. You said, I choose you, I want to serve you. Now become the expert on her body. Know her anatomy. Know her cycle. Know what feels good to her this week, not just last month. Wives — get to know him too. As you both grow in this knowledge, communication becomes natural, because you have a shared language of care.
This conversation is one I go much deeper on in my Sexual Communication Course — a full masterclass on learning to talk about sex in a way that actually brings you and your husband closer. If this episode opened something in you, I'd love to take you further.