How to Cultivate Drive in a Long-Term Marriage
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By Francie Winslow
If you've been married for any length of time, you've probably had this thought — quietly, maybe a little guiltily:
where did the spark go?
You loved each other. You still do. But somewhere between the kids and the jobs and the familiarity and the sheer exhaustion of keeping a life running — the passion that used to feel effortless has gone a little quiet.
And if you're honest, you're not even sure how to get it back.
This is one of the most common questions I receive — from women in The Circle, from listeners online, from friends over coffee. And I want to offer you the reframe that has helped me more than anything else.
First: Stop Chasing High Drive
Here's the thing about framing this as a drive problem — it immediately creates pressure. I should want it more. I should be more. I have to become something I'm not.
And pressure? Pressure is one of the most effective passion-killers there is. The moment it starts to feel like a should, desire retreats. Every time.
So here's the reframe: high drive isn't the goal. Sexual energy is.
Those two things might sound similar but they feel completely different. Drive implies an identity — something you either have or you don't. Energy implies something cultivatable — something you can actually grow, tend, and develop over time.
That shift — from what am I to what am I cultivating — changes everything.
Sexual Energy Is Like Any Other Energy
Think about creative energy. If you're an artist staring at a blank canvas feeling completely uninspired, you don't just sit there waiting to feel it. You set the stage. You light a candle, put on music, clear the space, create conditions for something to emerge.
Or think about physical energy. You actually get more of it by moving your body — even when you feel like you have none. Energy creates energy.
Sexual energy works exactly the same way. It doesn't arrive on its own — it's cultivated. And here's what that actually looks like in a real life:
Body awareness. The more connected you are to your body throughout the day — noticing it, inhabiting it, moving it — the more available you are as a sexual person. A simple body check-in. A slow walk. Nonlinear movement that reminds you that you have curves and they are a beautiful thing. These aren't extras. They're cultivation.
Your five senses. Turning up your sensory inputs — a beautiful candle, music that makes you feel alive, something that smells good — signals to your nervous system that something worth noticing is happening. Presence is a practice. And a woman who is present and connected to her senses brings something to her marriage that a distracted, depleted woman simply can't.
Dopamine and novelty. New experiences together create energy. Not scandalous ones — just new ones. A different room. A new kind of massage. Something that interrupts the familiar script just enough to make both of you pay attention again. Novelty doesn't mean pressure. It just means a small, intentional pivot out of the rut of familiarity.
Trust and friendship. This is the one that often gets overlooked — but in a long-term marriage, it might be the most important of all. Safety and trust are the foundation for sexual energy. The more you're talking honestly about where you are, the more you feel known, the more you can actually open up and go there. Daily walks together. Honest conversations. The ongoing work of staying each other's person — it all feeds the fire.
Don't Let the Sparks Pass
Here's a practical idea straight from our marriage: when you notice a moment of sensation, desire, or attraction — however small — don't let it pass. Capitalize on it. Tend it. Share it.
Tell him. Steal a couple of kisses in the pantry. Send a text. Put his hand on your body.
Sexual energy is like a little ember. When you blow on it, cradle it, attend to it — it grows into a fire. But when you ignore it, dismiss it, or push it aside because the timing isn't perfect — it goes cold.
You don't have to wait for perfect conditions. You just have to notice the spark and decide to tend it.
A Question Worth Sitting With
On a scale of one to ten — how would you rate your own cultivation of sexual energy right now? Not your drive. Not your performance. Just your awareness, your intentionality, your willingness to tend the ember.
Wherever you are, there's no shame. Just invitation.
Because here's what I know after years of walking this journey: a marriage that keeps growing in this area isn't made up of two people who always feel like it. It's made up of two people who keep choosing to cultivate it — season after season, tired or not, busy or not, knowing that what they're tending is worth every bit of the intention.
It's not just a marriage gift. It's a ministry. And it grows.
Want to dig in on the topic of communication? Tune in for the masterclass teaching here:
BECOMING CONFIDENT WITH SEXUAL COMMUNICATION
Have a question you want Francie to tackle on the podcast? Send her an email — she's always taking notes.