The Conversation Most Married Couples Are Not Having (And Why It's Costing Them)
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By Francie Winslow
Let me ask you something personal.
Can you talk to your husband about sex? Not around it, not about logistics, not a vague mention that something isn't working — but actually talk about it. Your desires. Your vulnerabilities. What you love. What you need. What you've been afraid to say out loud.
For most women, the honest answer is: not really. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
And that silence — that gap between what's true and what gets said — is costing more than most of us realize.
Why This Is So Hard
Before we talk about how to communicate better, I want to honor why it's hard in the first place. Because for a lot of us, the difficulty isn't stubbornness or laziness — it's history.
We grew up in a culture, and often a church culture, that was largely silent on the topic of sex. What messages did get through were frequently shame-laced — don't, wait, be careful, manage yourself. And then marriage happened, and suddenly we were supposed to be completely free and open and communicative about the very thing we'd spent years learning to suppress.
That doesn't just fix itself on the wedding night. The shame, the silence, the disconnection — it comes with us. And until we name it and start working through it, it sits between us and the kind of intimacy we actually want.
That's not your fault. But it is your invitation.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
One of the most practical and permission-giving things in this episode is the idea that you don't have to find the words entirely on your own — especially at the beginning of the journey.
Early in our marriage, Wyatt and I were not good at this. We were young, we were new, and we had very few tools for talking about vulnerable things without someone shutting down or getting hurt. What helped us more than anything was letting books be our mediator. We would read together, underline what resonated, and let the author start the conversation we didn't yet know how to start ourselves.
It sounds simple. It is simple. And it works — because it takes the pressure off two people who are trying to be vulnerable while also trying not to wound each other, and it gives both of you a shared language to work from.
If you don't know how to talk about something, find a book that does. Let it be a bridge. That's not a crutch — that's wisdom.
The Power of Your Words
Here's something I feel very strongly about and spend real time on in this episode: as a wife, your words carry extraordinary power in your marriage. Particularly in the bedroom.
Your husband needs to hear from you — specifically, intimately, and often — that he is enough. That he is wanted. That what he brings to your marriage matters to you in the most personal of ways. The world spends considerable energy telling him the opposite. Comparison, pressure, discouragement — it comes at him from every direction. And you are the one person whose words land differently than anyone else's.
You cannot build him up too much. You cannot affirm him too often. And when you learn to speak life over him — over his strength, his effort, his body, his heart — something shifts in both of you. He stands taller. You connect more deeply. The intimacy between you becomes something more than physical.
Words, used well, are one of the most powerful intimacy-building tools you have. This episode will help you use them.
Learning to Share What You Actually Need
Communication in marriage runs in both directions — and that means you also get to be known.
There was a season early in my marriage when I realized I didn't believe I was beautiful. My husband could say it a hundred times and it would land somewhere just outside of me, never quite breaking through. One night I finally said it out loud: I need you to tell me the parts of my body that you love. And I need to hear it a lot. It was one of the most vulnerable things I'd ever said. And it changed something.
He couldn't give me what I needed because he didn't know I needed it. Once I told him, he could actually show up for me in that way. And over time — not overnight, but over time — his words began to do what I had hoped they would.
Your husband wants to love you well. He genuinely does. But he cannot read your mind. And the vulnerable, specific ask — this is what I need, this is what would help me — is not weakness. It's one of the bravest and most connective things you can do in a marriage.
A Few Tools Worth Trying
This episode is packed with practical ideas for growing in sexual communication — and I want to give you just a taste of what's in there without giving it all away.
One of my favorites is something Wyatt and I call sharing frames — the practice of pausing after intimacy to share your favorite moment from the experience. It sounds small. It is profoundly connecting. When you put language to a moment you shared, it deepens the memory, increases oxytocin, and makes the other person feel genuinely seen in the most intimate of ways.
Another idea is the intimate date — a dedicated conversation over dinner or a long walk where the only allowed topics are past pleasures, current desires, and future dreams together. No kids, no calendars, no career stress. Just two people remembering, savoring, and dreaming. It is one of the most romantic and connecting things we have done in our marriage, and I walk you through exactly how to do it in this episode.
There's more where that came from. Listen and find the one or two ideas that feel like a get-to for you and your husband — and start there.
If Communication Has Felt Impossible
A final word for the woman who's reading this and thinking: we've tried. It always blows up. I've stopped trying.
I hear you. And I want you to know that consistently hard communication is not just a personality issue — it's often a signal that there's something deeper that needs tending. Old wounds, patterns that formed long before this marriage, stories that haven't been fully processed. That kind of thing doesn't resolve through tips and techniques alone. It needs real support.
Counseling is not a last resort. It is one of the wisest investments you can make in your marriage. If communication has been a wall between you and your husband — please, get help. You are worth it. Your marriage is worth it. And the intimacy waiting on the other side of that wall is worth every hard conversation it takes to get there.
Want to dig in on the topic of communication? Tune in for the masterclass teaching here:
BECOMING CONFIDENT WITH SEXUAL COMMUNICATION
Have a question you want Francie to tackle on the podcast? Send her an email — she's always taking notes.