How to Plan a Sexcation (Even If You Can't Go Far)
A sexcation is a getaway with one purpose: time together to enjoy each other. It isn't about seeing the sights or finally finishing your book with a drink by the pool. It's about stepping away from the pressure of everyday life and investing in your marriage.
Over 21 years, this has become one of the most life-giving rhythms in our marriage. Some years Wyatt and I got away several times. Some years we squeaked out one trip. And a couple of years were so hard that we barely left home at all.
So whether you're ready for a week away or can't picture leaving your house right now, there's a version of this for you.
Start small (and feel free to stay small)
It's easy to think a getaway has to be a big production. It doesn't. Here are the three sizes we've tried, from smallest to biggest.
1. The hotel date
Our hotel dates almost never include an overnight stay. We book a room close to home for three to six hours.
This started during COVID. Restaurants were closed, we didn't have overnight babysitters, and hotels were offering day rates. Now we use Priceline to find a four- or five-star room within a few miles of home at a good price.
What makes it work is the closed door. In a house full of people, it's rare to feel truly alone. At a hotel, you aren't listening for a toddler or waiting up for a teenager. You aren't staring at piles of laundry. Your mind can focus and your body can be present.
A few things we love: start with a shower, go slowly, and take turns caring for each other. (If you want the more personal details, that's what we talk about in Circle.)
2. Twenty-four hours at a local Airbnb
If you have a little more margin, an Airbnb nearby is a great next step. You won't share a wall with anyone, which adds another layer of privacy and relaxation. You'll have a kitchen, room to spread out and maybe a neighborhood to walk.
And coming home is easy. You're twenty or thirty minutes away, not facing a five-hour travel day.
3. Forty-eight hours or more
A longer trip to a resort or a destination is incredible. It also gives you more time to fill, which is where creativity comes in.
When we have that kind of time, we usually aim to be intimate every day, sometimes more than once. The more closeness you share, the more your bodies are flooded with connection hormones like oxytocin and dopamine. It doesn't have to mean going all out five times a day. Think of it as keeping the sparks going all day long.
Longer trips have given us room to be more playful, to try new things and simply to express care in ways we don't have time for at home.
Don't despise a small season
For years, we didn't go anywhere more than ten miles from home. Some of our sweetest memories come from Airbnbs just a few miles from our house.
A getaway close to home comes with no airports, no heavy packing and no new city to figure out. All your attention goes to each other. If you have babies, a full house or a tight budget right now, celebrate what you can do.
What to bring
Something creative. On a few trips, we bought a cheap kindergarten watercolor set and painted the sunset on the Gulf Coast and the mountains in Virginia. Neither of us is an artist. That wasn't the point. It was about making a memory together.
Conversation starters. You know each other well, but there are always more layers to discover. Search "conversation starters for couples" and bring a few.
Something to laugh at. Life is exhausting, and laughing together helps. We like clean comedy on YouTube. We try to limit screens overall, though, and when we use them, we watch together.
Something novel for the bedroom. Think through your five senses. A feather, silk, new lingerie or a toy can build anticipation and a sense of exploration. And don't forget lubricant.
Whatever helps you feel confident. Grooming is part of the prep for me. (I have a whole episode on it.) Think about what helps you feel comfortable in your body.
Keep the food simple
We rarely go out to eat on these trips. Maybe coffee or one dinner out. Mostly it's a healthy frozen pizza, a rotisserie chicken and snacks for a charcuterie board. We want to rest, not cook and clean.
Your version might look different. The question is what feels restful and connecting for you both. Then make time for the things you wish you could do at home but never have time for: a long walk, a workout together, exploring local coffee shops.
When things don't go as planned
Sometimes you plan the perfect getaway and something goes wrong. Someone gets hurt. Your period starts early. A child gets sick at home. Or emotions you've buried come to the surface.
What has carried us through is this: lean in. When it would be easier to pull away, stay connected and stay honest.
We've had getaways full of pure bliss. We've also had days on those same trips when our hearts felt like they might break because one of us was carrying something painful. A hard day doesn't ruin the trip. The next day might bring some of the sweetest intimacy you've known.
A sexcation isn't about performing or getting it all right. It's about honoring your intimate life and making time for it to grow, through the good days and the hard ones.
Take these ideas, add your own flavor and make it yours. It might become more than a single trip. It could be a rhythm you carry into the years ahead.
Want ideas for slowing down and enjoying each other? The Foreplay Guide is a great companion for your getaway. And if you want the more personal practicals, come join us in the Circle.
Have a question you want Francie to tackle on the podcast? Send her an email — she's always taking notes.