What "Husbands, Love Your Wives" Actually Looks Like in the Bedroom
"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church."
If you grew up in church, you could finish that verse in your sleep. It was on wedding programs and in premarital counseling, and somebody probably cross-stitched it for your kitchen.
What most of us never got was the next part. What does it look like on a Tuesday night, when she's touched-out and tired and a little bit dreading the question? What does it look like for a woman who walked into marriage believing her body was something to manage, hide and get through?
That's what this week's episode is about. I continued our series on celebrating masculine strength, and I got specific, because I've watched the answer play out in my own marriage for years.
Strength that lays itself down
We talk a lot about the "wives, submit" half of Ephesians 5. Here's what I've come to believe: a wife's capacity to receive her husband's strength is only ever as good as his willingness to lay his life down for her.
The kind of strength I'm talking about doesn't dominate. It doesn't perform, and it isn't chasing some impossible standard of success. It looks like Jesus, who was the strongest one there is and who used every bit of that strength to serve.
When a woman encounters that kind of strength, something in her that has been clenched for a long time starts to loosen.
It starts with his eyes
For a lot of us raised in purity culture, a man's gaze was the danger. Modesty rules and youth group talks taught us to fear what men were looking at, and to fear being looked at.
So here's something I didn't expect: my husband's eyes have been one of the most healing forces in my life.
In the episode I share the quiet, disciplined choice Wyatt made years ago that turned his gaze from a threat into a gift. I also talk about what it's done for the little girl in me who never felt beheld, only evaluated. Being seen for who I am, not for who I feel I need to be, has healed parts of me I didn't know were still hurting.
The humility of becoming a learner
I'll be honest about where I started. I came into marriage disconnected from my body to the point of numbness. I didn't know how my own period worked. My anatomy felt like something not worth my time.
Wyatt decided otherwise. He became a student of my design: how my body works, what brings me pleasure, what shuts me down.
That took humility, because he had to admit he didn't know. His curiosity also did something I didn't see coming. It made me curious. About myself, and then about him. It opened up conversations about our bodies and insecurities that brought us closer than any technique could.
Why "just be spontaneous" doesn't work for a lot of women
We're all for spontaneous passion around here. But many women's bodies need time to unwind and unhurried attention before they can open up. Mine does.
Wyatt learned that by studying me, and he started planning our longer times together as an invitation. The thought going in beforehand lets me relax into what he's already prepared.
He has a phrase for this that has become a kind of motto in our marriage. I share it in the episode, along with why he insists he's the one who benefits most from all that planning. (Husbands, you'll want to hear that part.)
Words that wash
Scripture talks about a husband's words washing his wife. I've felt that in two places.
The first is conflict. Over the years we've learned to step away, process our big feelings separately, and come back to say what's true with care. Careless words can rip at the seams of a soul, and measured ones build it back up.
The second is the bedroom. There, Wyatt has spoken truth over my body in every place I believed it was shameful. I've leaned on those words from the very beginning of our marriage.
A few questions to take into your week
If you listen with your spouse, or even if you just read this and forward it, try asking each other:
What would make you feel more loved in this season?
What would make you feel more seen? More safe? More celebrated?
What am I doing well?
Is there something I could do better?
Humility heals, and sometimes the healing starts with a question.
And to the husbands who've been quietly listening and wondering whether this conversation is for you: it is. I'm so glad you're here.
If these conversations feel hard to start, the Sexual Communication Course gives you both words for them. And if body shame came into marriage with you, start with Back to the Garden: A Married Woman’s Guide to Pleasure by Design.
Have a question you want Francie to tackle on the podcast? Send her an email — she's always taking notes.