Ep. 230 | Intentional Intimacy: Using Words During Sex to Say What You Feel and Want
PLAY THE EPISODE
By Francie Winslow
Let’s talk about something tender and often tricky: using our words during sex.
If you’ve ever found yourself silent in the moment—not sure what to say, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or just completely disconnected—you are not alone. I’ve been there too. For years, I struggled to find my voice in intimacy, even though I deeply longed for connection.
But learning to speak—gently, honestly, and joyfully—in those sacred moments has changed everything for me. And it can for you too.
Why It Matters
Intimacy is more than physical—it’s about being known and knowing your spouse. And communication is a huge part of that.
When we’re silent, our spouse is left guessing. When we speak, even just a little, we open the door to clarity, confidence, and shared joy. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or dramatic. Just saying what you’re feeling—what you notice, what you enjoy—can build trust and connection.
Words are powerful. They bring things to life. They affirm, they guide, they create safety. And yes, they can invite pleasure.
How to Start
This might feel vulnerable or awkward at first, especially if you’ve been silent for a long time. But here’s a simple baby step: name what you’re experiencing in the moment.
“That feels so good.”
“I love the way you’re touching me.”
“Your lips on my neck… yes, just like that.”
This is what Doug Rosenau, in Celebration of Sex, called a “stream of consciousness” approach—naming what you feel as you feel it. Not in a robotic way, but with kindness and presence.
Start small. Maybe even outside of sexual moments. “I love the way your hand feels on my arm.” Let your senses guide you—what you feel, taste, hear, see, smell. Let that awareness build into words.
From Sensation to Desire
As you get more comfortable naming what you’re experiencing, you’ll begin to access another layer: desire.
You might begin to say, “I’d love more of that,” or “Can we try this?” or “Could we slow down?” These aren’t demands—they’re invitations. This kind of language helps you co-create intimacy together, not just go through the motions.
Instead of guessing games or silence, you begin to move together, share together, and enjoy one another more fully.
Final Thoughts
It’s not about performance. It’s about presence.
And presence grows through practice.
So here’s your gentle challenge for the week: during your next time of intimacy, try naming one thing you feel and one thing you enjoy. Let your words flow from a place of connection, not pressure. You don’t have to say everything—just one small thing. That’s enough to start.
We were made for this kind of connection. And I’m cheering you on as you grow into it.