You Were Wired for This: Oxytocin, Your Nervous System, and God's Design for Connection
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By Francie Winslow
A conversation with functional medicine nurse practitioner Carly Bayless on why the "soft stuff" might be the most powerful healing work you do all day.
There's a moment I keep coming back to from my conversation with Carly Bayless on the podcast this week. She said something that stopped me:
"I think in hindsight, a lot of my healing was found in some of this more subtle, cozy sort of things — supporting oxytocin in my nervous system. We want to focus on the more glamorous aspects of healing or the trendy things, when we actually need the foundational stuff."
Yes. That. A thousand times that.
I've been in a season of doing everything "right" — the supplements, the protocols, the appointments. And for a long time I kept wondering why we still felt so depleted. What Carly helped me understand is that the missing piece wasn't another lab panel. It was oxytocin. It was connection. It was the thing God actually wired us for from the very beginning.
So today, I want to take you into this conversation and let Carly — who is a functional medicine family nurse practitioner, a newlywed, and a brand new mom to eleven-month-old twins — break it all down in a way that is both scientifically grounded and deeply rooted in how God designed our bodies to heal.
First, What Even Is Oxytocin?
We've all heard it called the "cuddle hormone" or the "love hormone." And that's technically true — but it barely scratches the surface.
Oxytocin is a hormone and neurotransmitter produced in the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland. It is essential for childbirth and breastfeeding, yes. But it is so much more than that. As Carly explained:
"Oxytocin is a huge part of the way that God wired us for connection. Finding oxytocin opportunities in each day can be a huge part of someone's healing. It does not have to be another item on the checklist — it can be something that you really look forward to and delight in a lot."
"Oxytocin opportunities." I love that phrase so much I've started using it with my own kids. Because that's exactly what they are — little gifts woven into the fabric of an ordinary day.
The Nervous System Piece (And Why It Changes Everything)
Here's where it gets really good — and a little nerdy in the best way.
Carly and I talked about polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges and popularized by therapist Deb Dana (whose book Anchored I've referenced many times in the circle). The basic idea is that our nervous system operates on a "ladder" with three primary states:
Ventral Vagal — Safe, connected, curious, present. This is regulation. This is shalom. As Carly describes it, you're calm but engaged — open to learning, not in overdrive.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) — Heart pounding, adrenaline pumping, scanning for danger. Your brain cannot distinguish between a real threat and a packed school schedule, a pile of texts, or a hard conversation.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown) — Collapsed, numb, disconnected. This is where depression lives. It's the exhausted-on-the-floor-with-nothing-left feeling. And it can look like laziness when it's actually your nervous system protecting you.
The goal isn't to live on a perfect plateau of peace — it's nervous system flexibility. The ability to move through these states and return to ventral vagal. And here's the wild part: oxytocin is one of the most accessible on-ramps back to that safe, regulated state.
Carly put it this way: "Oxytocin is almost an easy button for shifting the nervous system state. It's our major buffer against cortisol."
We talk so much about cortisol — managing it, reducing it — and here is the God-designed antidote sitting right there in a 20-second hug.
What Blocks Oxytocin (And Why Modern Life Works Against Us)
Before we get to what to do, let's name what's in the way. Because I think understanding the barriers helps us extend ourselves so much more grace.
When your nervous system is locked into fight or flight or dorsal shutdown, you genuinely cannot feel or access the oxytocin opportunities around you. You might look at your husband and feel nothing. You might want to reach out to a friend and feel completely unable to. That is not a character flaw. That is a physiological state.
Add to that: screens, noise, chronic stress, illness, grief, unprocessed trauma, a house full of needs — and suddenly "just connect more" feels like a cruel joke.
But Carly's message — and the one I want you to hear — is that this doesn't need to be overwhelming. It starts so small. The goal is just to find the next oxytocin opportunity in front of you.
Practical Oxytocin Opportunities (That Are Actually Accessible)
Let’s get practical…and not one of these costs money. Most take under a minute. And they are available to you whether you are married, single, a new mom, or a mom of teenagers.
Eye Contact
Ten to twenty seconds of genuine eye contact measurably increases oxytocin. Did you know making eye contact with your dog raises oxytocin by up to 300% — for both of you? So imagine what it does with your child, your husband, your dear friend.
The modern default is eye contact with a screen. Which is, as Carly said, basically a cortisol generator. The practice is simply to redirect that gaze toward a person.
Skin-to-Skin and Touch
The reason we talk about skin-to-skin for newborns is real — babies regulate their heart rate and temperature through mom's chest. But here's what we forget: that doesn't expire.
As adults, we can co-regulate through touch. A longer hug (20+ seconds), a hand on a shoulder, sitting close, a self-hug — all of it counts. Carly teaches her patients to place their hands on their child while praying over them. Those caregiving moments become nervous system medicine.
Warm Hellos and Warm Goodbyes
Carly and her husband practice this idea from Gretchen Rubin: never use a hello or goodbye as a quick, dismissive exchange. A real hug. A real kiss. A moment of actual presence.
"It can seem a little extra," she said, "especially if you're leaving multiple times throughout the day. But it has made a huge difference."
No Phones in the Bed
Once the baby marathon is over and the house is quiet, the phone is the first thing we reach for. I get it. But that's also the moment where real connection — the kind that actually refills your tank — is possible. A dedicated charging station across the room changes the whole texture of the night.
Gratitude and Prayer Together
Carly and her husband end each night sharing something they're grateful for and something they admired about how the other person showed up that day. Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's "you stayed calm when the twins were crying and I'm so proud of you." Either way, it's oxytocin. It's connection. It's God's design in motion.
Vulnerability in Friendship
Oxytocin isn't only a romantic or maternal hormone — it flourishes wherever vulnerability is present. In a small group. In a text to a safe friend. In a Vox to someone who knows your whole story.
In fact, when you're in that dorsal shutdown place — the place that screams run, hide, don't let anyone see you right now — that is often when connection is the most healing thing you could possibly do. It's hard. It's the last thing you feel like doing. But it is frequently the exact medicine your nervous system needs.
If you don't have a friend like that yet, I want to say gently: other women are longing for it too. Ask for it. It might feel weird. Do it anyway.
A Note on Marriage and Intimacy
We spent time in this conversation talking about sexual intimacy as an oxytocin pathway — and I want to honor that by addressing it directly rather than dancing around it.
Sex is one of the most powerful oxytocin-releasing experiences we have. But when your nervous system is dysregulated, initiation can feel like a mountain. And when it's approached as an obligation or another box to check, it doesn't do the same thing for your body.
Approach intimacy the same way you approach any other nervous system practice — with curiosity and compassion for where you actually are.
Some nights that's a long, unhurried connection. Some nights that's naked cuddling or a bath together. Some nights that's a real hug in the kitchen and a prayer that you fall asleep holding hands. All of it counts. All of it is honoring your body and your marriage.
Give yourself the grace to ebb and flow with your season — and communicate with your husband about where you are. That honesty is itself an act of intimacy.
God's Design in All of This
Here's the thing that keeps catching in my chest as I process all of this: God didn't make healing complicated. He made it relational.
The very things that regulate our nervous systems, lower our cortisol, fill our hormonal tank, and help our bodies heal... are connection, presence, touch, and being known. That is not a coincidence. That is a fingerprint.
He made us for nearness — with Him, and with each other. The gospel is the ultimate reach of connection: I'm sending my Son so you can be forever close to me. And He wired our biology to reflect that truth.
So when you're in the middle of a hard season — chronic illness, postpartum depletion, a hard marriage year, a lonely stage — the invitation isn't always to try harder. Sometimes the invitation is to put down your phone, make eye contact with the person next to you, let yourself be held, and let God's design for your body do its work.
"Just focus on the one oxytocin opportunity that's in front of you at that time and fully lean into it. As long as we are aiming to improve and looking for that next right opportunity to embrace God's design for connection — that's enough." — Carly Bayless
Listen to the Full Episode
This conversation with Carly is one of those episodes you'll want to revisit. We go deep on the polyvagal ladder, what dorsal and sympathetic states actually feel like in real life, how to practice checking in with your nervous system throughout the day, and so much more.
You can find Carly at @carlybaylesswellness and @nurturefunctionalmedicine on Instagram, and on The Carly Bayless Podcast wherever you listen. If you're looking for a functional medicine practitioner who understands how God designed your body — she is worth a follow.