When Staying Silent Isn't the Same as Being Faithful
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By Francie Winslow
I'll be honest with you — before I hit record on this conversation, I sat quietly and asked God to prepare my heart. And yours. Because what we're talking about today isn't easy. It's the kind of topic that might land differently depending on where you are in your marriage, your story, or your faith. But I believe with everything in me that it is necessary.
This week I had the profound privilege of sitting with Leslie Vernick — counselor, author, and one of the most theologically grounded and compassionate voices on the subject of destructive marriages in Christian circles. She has walked with thousands of women, she's been married for fifty years, and she wrote The Emotionally Destructive Marriage — a book I found quite helpful as I help navigate the honor of walking alongside women.
You Were Made to Have a Voice
One of the things that wrecked me — in the best possible way — when I first discovered Leslie's work was the way she reframes what it means to be an ezer. That Hebrew word translated "helper" in Genesis? It's the same word used for the Holy Spirit. The same word used for God when He delivers His people in battle. That is not the picture of a quiet, voiceless assistant. That is the image of a warrior.
And yet so many of us — myself included — have slowly, subtly surrendered our voice in the name of being a "good Christian wife." We have confused silence with submission and compliance with faithfulness. We have been afraid that naming what we feel, saying what we need, or pushing back on what is wrong is somehow dishonoring to our husband or to God.
Leslie helped me see that the opposite is actually true. She said it so clearly: "The most godly thing to do is sometimes to say no." Not out of rebellion — but out of love. Out of the fierce, faithful love of a woman who cares too much about her husband's soul to let him continue unchallenged in patterns that are harming him, her, and their family.
Disappointing vs. Destructive: An Important Distinction
Every marriage has seasons of disappointment. Every single one. We married human beings — not Prince Charming, not Ken dolls — and at some point reality shows up and rearranges our expectations. That is normal. That is growth. That is part of learning to love a real person.
But Leslie makes a critical distinction that I want every woman to carry with her: there is a difference between a disappointing marriage and a destructive one.
The difference often comes down to this: when you say "ouch" — when you say that hurts, I don't like this, please stop — how does he respond?
A healthy person reflects. A healthy person may not have intended harm, but when they learn they've caused it, they feel it. They engage. They course-correct. That's the mark of a healthy sinner in relationship.
An unhealthy person deflects. Minimizes. Blames. Gets defensive or dismissive. And if that pattern keeps repeating after you've found your voice and used it — that tells you something important about the relationship you're in.
What Our Bodies Are Trying to Tell Us
Something else Leslie said that I haven't been able to shake: our feelings are not the enemy. They are informants.
So many of us were raised — in church culture especially — with a kind of "fact, faith, feelings" hierarchy where our emotions were the last car on the train. Don't trust them. Don't follow them. Push them down. Pray through them.
But Leslie gently and wisely points out that God gave us these bodies and these emotions precisely so that we could know something is wrong before we can fully articulate it. When your body is in a constant state of anxiety around your husband. When you feel yourself shutting down, going small, becoming invisible to survive. When you're exhausted by the effort of managing his moods. When you've stopped knowing what you think or feel because it never felt safe to find out — your body is sending you a message. And it deserves to be heard.
What we have sometimes called submission is actually, in many cases, a trauma response called fawning — going along to stay safe. And what we have sometimes called a strong, godly leader is actually, in many cases, a bully. These are painful reframing moments. But they matter.
You Are Not Betraying Your Marriage by Seeking Help
One of the most tender and practical parts of our conversation was Leslie walking through what to do if you suspect you are in an unhealthy — or destructive — marriage.
She said something that I want you to hold onto: "It is not a sin to steward your safety."
If you are in danger, please reach out immediately — to a domestic violence hotline, to trusted friends, to law enforcement if needed. You do not have to earn the right to be safe.
And if you are not in immediate danger but something feels deeply wrong — you are worn down, confused, controlled, scared, or constantly dismissed — then Leslie's counsel is to begin quietly educating yourself. You can visit her website at leslievernick.com, where there is a free resource to help you discern: is this a difficult, disappointing, or destructive marriage? She also leads a support community called Conquer — a group of over 2,500 Christian women from around the world walking this road together. There are coaches, resources, and step-by-step guidance to help you figure out your next right step.
And if you're a ministry leader, a pastor's wife, a small group leader who sometimes hears things in conversations that make you uneasy — Leslie has resources for you too. You don't have to walk this alone, and neither do the women in your care.
A Note Before You Listen
I want to prepare you for this conversation the same way I prepared myself before we recorded it: with a breath and a prayer.
If you are in a season of marriage that feels heavy, confusing, or frightening — this conversation is going to feel deeply personal. It may bring some feelings to the surface that have been buried for a long time. That is okay. That is actually a sign that something in you is waking up. Let it.
And know this: the goal of everything Leslie does — and honestly, the heartbeat of this conversation — is not to break apart marriages. It is to protect the people inside them. It is to help women walk in the freedom and truth and dignity they were created for. And sometimes, that begins with finally letting yourself say: this is not okay.
You were made to be strong. You were made to be seen. You were made, as the Proverbs 31 woman is described, to laugh at the days to come — not to white-knuckle your way through them in fear.
I pray this conversation gives you a little more courage to be exactly who God made you to be.
Resources mentioned:
leslievernick.com — free quick-start guide, podcast, and coaching resources
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
Conquer — online support community for Christian women in difficult/destructive marriages
Free Webinar: "If He Doesn't Hit You, Is It Still Abuse?" — check leslievernick.com for upcoming dates
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Want to keep exploring what it means to live fully in your female body — with confidence, joy, and freedom? Check out these resources? Check these out:
Have a question you want Francie to tackle on the podcast? Send her an email — she's always taking notes.